The Sean Francis Frozen Pizza Review

It’s winter in Wisconsin. There’s not much to do except eat and cross-country ski and I personally don’t like to do things that don’t make sense. So I eat.

The following pizza reviews were compiled and written while completely sober. I understand that once under the influence of drugs or alcohol, pizza becomes a whole ‘nother animal and is almost always good. But I approached each pizza with a clear mind and pallet. So, here it is, the Sean Francis frozen pizza review:



Freschetta - This is like a frozen pizza for people who enjoy hot tea. If you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Actually the sauce stuffed crust is fantastic but I can’t find it anymore.









Totino’s – This is the Taliban in your mouth. Don’t do it.








Jack’s – I can’t think of a bigger waist of time than to eat this rat food.







Amy’s – This is overpriced bullshit.











DiGiorno – It’s, in fact, not delivery. It’s very easy to discern this. The easiest way to tell is by tasting it.












Red Baron Garlic Crust Pizza – Manfred von Richthofen not only had 80 confirmed kills in World War I, he’s also got a hell of pizza line going on. (I actually Googled Red Baron and the pizza comes up before any information regarding the actual Red Baron. That’s how good it is!) Why order delivery ever again? You can get this for $2.99 at some places and it’s delicious. The crust cooks perfectly every time. I enjoy mine with thinly sliced tomatoes and fresh basil. I’ll finish with an ice-cold can of raspberry Klarbrunn and watch my favorite Hip Hop Abs commercial.

I hope this information is useful and the next time you eat frozen pizza you think of me. God knows I’m thinking of you…always.