Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Billion Days

Beth and I had our one-year anniversary on Friday. Beth gave me a bunch of cool shit including a knife so sharp it can cut through time and a skillet that cooks your pain and fears away.

This is Beth’s awesome card to me

What did I do for Beth? Why I made her a card at work using stock art the company I work for uses in auto insurance brochures!

This is the envelope I made at work (The star penis is not stock art)

This is the card

Thats one cute kid. He's probably 16 by now. I would still adopt him. I don't know what the cut off age is.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Seitan n Mole Stuffed Pepper Over Corn and White Beans with Cashew Guacamole.

What you’ll need:

Total Cost: Less than $30 (many left overs)

1 package seitan (or check out my time-consuming recipe)
1 pepper (red, green, yellow, bigger the better)
frozen or canned corn
1 can white beans
1 avocado
1/3 cup cashews
1/3 cup red onion (more for garnish)
1 tomato
1 jalapeƱo
wheat tortillas
½ cup soft white cheese. Chihuahua if you want. I used this stuff called Beemster Graskaas, which is soft and meltable but has a lil more of the stinky cheese flavor that I like. According to their website, it’s the batch made after Norwegian cows graze the young grasses in the spring, thus the name Graskaan, which is the name of the guy who creepily watches and records everything the cows eat.

4-6 cups vegetable broth
2 tbsp dark mole sauce
3 chopped garlic cloves
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp lemon juice
½ tbsp fresh cilantro

This is my first recipe I’ve posted. I don’t consider myself a good chef by any means but I’m learning. And I’m certainly not a snob. I like the microwave and prepackaged products. And I keep it cheap and, for the most part, vegetarian. If you’re vegan, my recipes are usually light on the dairy so it should be just as good without a cheese or add your own terrible vegan cheese substitute.

The only recipe I have that isn’t that cheap or vegetarian is my wildly popular three-bean and video Ipod chili.

Let’s start. You need seitan. You can buy it or you can buy wheat gluten flour like I did. If you want to make your own it’s easy. But I recommend futzing with the water to wheat gluten ratio to get the consistency and chewiness you like. I like 2 cups water to 1 ½ cups wheat gluten. I might add some garlic powder and salt and pepper to the dough. Kneed it until it becomes…unkneadable. Simmer the dough in 4-6 cups veg broth (big pan) for an hour or soak overnight in the fridge. When done, cool and shred into small slices.

Cut a pepper in half. So I originally wanted to add potatoes and a small yellow onion (pictured sort of but cooked outside the pepper) to the pepper but it was way too small. So use a big one. Use 1 cup left over broth and mix with mole sauce. I used:

I used Old-timey racist mole (pictured above) most likely developed by my grandpa before he died.

If you can’t find good mole sauce at your local grocer I recommend getting a girlfriend who goes to central and south American countries regularly and ask her to bring you some back. Or visit your nearest Mexican grocer. If you think you don’t have one in your town, you’re wrong.

Put pepper halves in glass baking dish. Layer seitan, garlic, mole, and cheese on top. Drizzle some olive oil and bake at 375 degrees for about 30 minutes.

While that’s going: Throw an avocado, 1/3 cup cashews, 1/3 cup chopped red onion, lil lemon juice salt and pepper in a food processor. Pulse it for a minute. (I like my guac smooth but if you like the chunks just chop and mix into a bowl.)

Brush olive oil on two whole wheat tortillas. They don’t have to be whole wheat but I love you and care about your health I guess, so deal with it. Sprinkle a shit-ton of paprika on those things. Cut them four ways with a pizza roller BEFORE going into the oven. They are way easier to cut when not crunchy. Lay them on a pizza pan or cookie sheet and set aside.

In a microwavable container, combine about ¾ cup corn, ½ cup white beans, 1 sliced jalepeno, ½ tbsp cumin, ½ tbsp chopped fresh cilantro, salt and pepper and a sneeze of lime juice.

When there’s about 6 minutes left for the peppers to broil, put the tortilla slices in the oven and throw the corn/bean mix in the microwave for 3 minutes, stirring halfway through.

When all is cooked: Spoon some corn/bean mixture on the plate. Take a spatula and lay a stuffed pepper on the bed (Careful it should be wicked hot and bubbly by this point). Pile on the guacamole and sour cream if you got it. I put the paprika Doritos in a separate bowl to avoid saturation.

Not only will I tell you how to cook but how to eat as well.

It took me a few attempts but I figured it out and it’s really awesome. Take a Dorito, spoon some seitan, mole sauce, guac and sour cream on top with some onion and tomato. Oh lady it’s so good. Do that over and over until you are done with your meal.

Poop within 20 minutes.

The trick to following recipes is SUBSTITUTE and IMPROVISE, If you don’t like something in my recipe, use something similar you do like. If you don’t have money for one ingredient, find a cheap substitute or skip it all together, it will still taste good. If you don’t have time to prepare an ingredient or sauce, buy it prepackaged. Fuck it. Only rich assholes can afford to eat like rich assholes. At least we can afford to be clever about it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I am currently working on some serious bidness so I won’t be writing or drawing for the blog for a while. I’m very sorry to disappoint all five of you but I promise I will return like Jesus Christ in the third Lord of the Rings and carry you down the beach during the final battle because that, my son, is when I carried you.

I’m confusing the stories here. wudafx!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Pen to Paper - November 7, 2007

I was putzing on this piece in photoshop and then this happened. F'ing creepy. She looks like she's made from barbecue sauce.

•••Sean Fransis

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Southern Chilean Children Prized by Monkey People

Images of Creatures Under Scrutiny, Police Investigate

“It was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen”, exclaimed a Chilean fisherman to reporters after he photographed what appeared to be upright walking primates on an island approximately 30 miles off the Patagonian coast.

“I mean…they had on peoples’ clothes,” he said.

The fisherman captured the images on a digital camera while returning from an annual anchovy run aboard the commercial fishing vessel, La Mestiza.

What’s exciting the already superstitious locals as well as intriguing the local authorities are, what looks to be, two small children walking with the animals in the photograph. This relatively nonviolent part of South America has one of the highest incidents of kidnapping in the world, as well as an insurmountable backlog of unsolved missing children cases.

At a press conference in Puerto Williams, a police spokesperson told reporters “It is really not our job to determine if monkeys are taking children. But if there are photographs and witnesses that say a small child is stranded on an empty island out there, we’ll investigate.”

Scientists from Chile’s Museum of Natural History in Santiago are neither confirming nor denying the authenticity of the photos. Carlos Allovoria, pursuing a Ph. D. in population genetics and evolution at the Universidad de Buenos Aires, said in an email to the Associated Press, “I could not see any morphological structure that could identify it as any animal. Just…several ape-like forms."

Some scientific circles are already claiming a new species.

“Like [Jane] Goodall’s chimps did in the 60’s, this could once again redefine what it means to be human.” Said Mariam Doughan, Professor of Primate Studies at the University of Wisconsin. “…Tool making, clothing, walking upright; all these traits we hold as being exclusively human.”

But Dr. Horacio Cavanna of the Universidad de Buenos Aires cautions this way of thinking, “Finding and using tools is anthropologically very different than designing and creating tools. Using found objects to dig for food, gather water, and even decorate; these occur throughout the animal kingdom and although displays cleverness, hardly constitutes as anything but animal behavior.

Using coordinates logged by the captain of the La Mestisa, a follow-up team of zoologists, anthropologists and police were sent to the island to investigate. The team reported no humans were seen and no animals that matched the description of those in the photographs. According to their report, the uninhabited island yielded nothing more than a few “pits containing plastic milk jugs wrapped in leaves”.

“Some of the containers had water in them.” Said Officer Juan Cesar Pino. “But it’s not unusual for fisherman to camp on the smaller islands and leave trash behind.”

As for the children allegedly in the photographs, “Police are working with the Coast Guard to investigate.” Said Officer Pino, “But we have limited resources and cannot send a boat to every island in [Cape Horn].”

In the conference room in the local town hall gathered a small group of women holding up pictures of their missing children. An older woman, perhaps a missing child’s grandmother, repeatedly asked passerby’s, “Is this her? Is this the girl in the photographs?”