Monday, October 8, 2007

A Letter to Judge Divid H. Nispel - Middleton WI Municipal Court

Middleton Municipal Court
7426 Hubbard Avenue
Middleton, WI 53562

Dear Judge Nispel,

You sir, are a TREMENDOUS TOOL. A tremendous tool of justice! Over the weekend my girlfriend and I had the great opportunity to see, first hand, how the honorable Middleton Municipal Court handles the dangerous dregs of society that risk dethroning the city from Money Magazine's most prestigious title of “#1 Place to Live in America”. I discovered, through your exemplary model of the American legal system, just how lucky we are to live in a city next to the city worthy of being called “#1 Place to Live in America” by a magazine.

Amidst the beautiful buildings of downtown Middleton (some dating back to 1994) is the Middleton Municipal Court Building. The orange bricks and tinted windows reek of habeas corpus. As you greeted us with a welcome, “what?”, when we arrived in the courtroom, I was awestruck by the amount of folding chairs. You appeared antsy and focused, ready to deliver the swift backhand of justice to the next criminal mastermind that dared enter your courtroom. Fortunately for me, on this day, that criminal was my girlfriend. Clearly she thought she could park on the wrong side of the street in Middleton Wisconsin and get away with it. Idiot! She didn’t know with whom she was dealing. She was up against Judge David Nispel, a real tool of justice and my new hero.

It was clear to you that only the guilty drug addicts and drunks take the time to come to court at 9am on a Saturday to defend themselves after writing numerous letters to the DA. And with your wisdom and clarity you let her know this by telling her she was so before she even spoke. Now that’s impressive judgery! Rather than explaining the fines or how the court came to their conclusion you mocked and berated her. I knew I was in the presence of fair and balanced greatness when you let her not speak all those times. So much of her guilt was proven in those moments you tactfully cut her off mid-sentence, every sentence. I loved it when, at the defining point in this important court battle, you called her a liar when she tried to explain herself.

After she told you she couldn't make it to Thursday court because she worked two jobs and went to school, you said, "You're just full of excuses aren't you?". Classic judge sass! You should have your own TV show! I could not speak I was so besieged with your awesomeness. When you made this 25 year-old deplorable villain cry I knew that under your billowing robe hung balls the size of Middleton’s water towers. Who else could fearlessly stand up against this 25 yr old elementary school teacher? If her lawless behavior is not stopped now…then when? How many more innocent lives will be lost? And you never once lost sight of the fact that it was a parking ticket. Some might say “just a parking ticket” but I say “a parking ticket in the #1 place to live in America according to a magazine”.

I also admired your 21st century approach. Like when you asked if I had read and understood the ticket when you assumed my girlfriend could not. You understood that although she is in the Graduate School of Human Ecology at the University of Wisconsin and I dropped out of art school, being men, we are of superior intelligence and are more aptly suited in translating legal documents. I greatly appreciated your candor when you let me also not speak even though I was offering to pay the fine. Oh how my heart soared when you called me “son”!

I know that racial profiling plays no part of the judicial process (*wink*) and with the defendant, being Mexican, that had nothing to do with the manner in which you treated her (*wiiiink!*) in this mostly-white #1 city. I like your style, judge. Fair to the core. Like when Senator Russ Decker (D-Schofield) was arrested for driving under the influence in your city and you dropped the charges in accordance with a lenient plea deal. You understood that the good senator had more important things to be do than be punished for putting innocent people’s lives in jeopardy. He helps make the laws. I wouldn’t expect you to expect him to follow them! The man deserves to have a drink in his car every once in awhile.

So keep up the good work, Your Honor. America needs more men like you in robes in front of folding chairs keeping the world safe against illegal parkers. With your city’s tenacious law enforcement and the will of our good Lord, Middleton will once again be named “#1 Place to Live in America” by a magazine.

Keep it up you MASSIVE TOOL of justice!


M. Dwyer

P.S. I noticed a group of brown children playing very close to the Middleton/Madison border. To whom can I write to voice my concerns? I greatly fear this may affect your city’s rankings next year.


Brandon said...

i just read this to Gaelyn via t-phone, and we both hope that you actually mailed this.

SeanFrancis said...

Yeah I mailed it to the courthouse. Who knows if he'll actually read it.

Forward Our Motto said...

Too long my friend and a bit over the top. If your girlfriend was mistreated, you're certainly justified in being angry though...

If you send something in to a paper, which I'd recommend, I'd suggest cutting it down and focusing on surprise and disappointment.

Dick Starr said...

Cool, I was hoping to hear that you'd actually sent this in. That's fucking crazy. What a douchebag...of justice.

Anonymous said...

That's ma boy! A tear ran down my face I'm so proud.

Jeff said...

Sean Francis:

You ever notice the welcome to middleton sign? They are all white people on it. Wanted to point that out-you probably already noticed it though.