The Sean Francis Frozen Pizza Review

It’s winter in Wisconsin. There’s not much to do except eat and cross-country ski and I personally don’t like to do things that don’t make sense. So I eat.

The following pizza reviews were compiled and written while completely sober. I understand that once under the influence of drugs or alcohol, pizza becomes a whole ‘nother animal and is almost always good. But I approached each pizza with a clear mind and pallet. So, here it is, the Sean Francis frozen pizza review:



Freschetta - This is like a frozen pizza for people who enjoy hot tea. If you want to be an asshole, go ahead. Actually the sauce stuffed crust is fantastic but I can’t find it anymore.









Totino’s – This is the Taliban in your mouth. Don’t do it.








Jack’s – I can’t think of a bigger waist of time than to eat this rat food.







Amy’s – This is overpriced bullshit.











DiGiorno – It’s, in fact, not delivery. It’s very easy to discern this. The easiest way to tell is by tasting it.












Red Baron Garlic Crust Pizza – Manfred von Richthofen not only had 80 confirmed kills in World War I, he’s also got a hell of pizza line going on. (I actually Googled Red Baron and the pizza comes up before any information regarding the actual Red Baron. That’s how good it is!) Why order delivery ever again? You can get this for $2.99 at some places and it’s delicious. The crust cooks perfectly every time. I enjoy mine with thinly sliced tomatoes and fresh basil. I’ll finish with an ice-cold can of raspberry Klarbrunn and watch my favorite Hip Hop Abs commercial.

I hope this information is useful and the next time you eat frozen pizza you think of me. God knows I’m thinking of you…always.

A Billion Days

Beth and I had our one-year anniversary on Friday. Beth gave me a bunch of cool shit including a knife so sharp it can cut through time and a skillet that cooks your pain and fears away.

This is Beth’s awesome card to me



What did I do for Beth? Why I made her a card at work using stock art the company I work for uses in auto insurance brochures!

This is the envelope I made at work (The star penis is not stock art)



This is the card





Thats one cute kid. He's probably 16 by now. I would still adopt him. I don't know what the cut off age is.

Seitan n Mole Stuffed Pepper Over Corn and White Beans with Cashew Guacamole.

What you’ll need:

Total Cost: Less than $30 (many left overs)

FOOD STUFF:
1 package seitan (or check out my time-consuming recipe)
1 pepper (red, green, yellow, bigger the better)
frozen or canned corn
1 can white beans
1 avocado
1/3 cup cashews
1/3 cup red onion (more for garnish)
1 tomato
1 jalapeño
wheat tortillas
½ cup soft white cheese. Chihuahua if you want. I used this stuff called Beemster Graskaas, which is soft and meltable but has a lil more of the stinky cheese flavor that I like. According to their website, it’s the batch made after Norwegian cows graze the young grasses in the spring, thus the name Graskaan, which is the name of the guy who creepily watches and records everything the cows eat.

FLAVOR STUFF:
4-6 cups vegetable broth
2 tbsp dark mole sauce
3 chopped garlic cloves
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp lemon juice
½ tbsp fresh cilantro

This is my first recipe I’ve posted. I don’t consider myself a good chef by any means but I’m learning. And I’m certainly not a snob. I like the microwave and prepackaged products. And I keep it cheap and, for the most part, vegetarian. If you’re vegan, my recipes are usually light on the dairy so it should be just as good without a cheese or add your own terrible vegan cheese substitute.

The only recipe I have that isn’t that cheap or vegetarian is my wildly popular three-bean and video Ipod chili.

Let’s start. You need seitan. You can buy it or you can buy wheat gluten flour like I did. If you want to make your own it’s easy. But I recommend futzing with the water to wheat gluten ratio to get the consistency and chewiness you like. I like 2 cups water to 1 ½ cups wheat gluten. I might add some garlic powder and salt and pepper to the dough. Kneed it until it becomes…unkneadable. Simmer the dough in 4-6 cups veg broth (big pan) for an hour or soak overnight in the fridge. When done, cool and shred into small slices.

Cut a pepper in half. So I originally wanted to add potatoes and a small yellow onion (pictured sort of but cooked outside the pepper) to the pepper but it was way too small. So use a big one. Use 1 cup left over broth and mix with mole sauce. I used:



I used Old-timey racist mole (pictured above) most likely developed by my grandpa before he died.

If you can’t find good mole sauce at your local grocer I recommend getting a girlfriend who goes to central and south American countries regularly and ask her to bring you some back. Or visit your nearest Mexican grocer. If you think you don’t have one in your town, you’re wrong.

Put pepper halves in glass baking dish. Layer seitan, garlic, mole, and cheese on top. Drizzle some olive oil and bake at 375 degrees for about 30 minutes.

While that’s going: Throw an avocado, 1/3 cup cashews, 1/3 cup chopped red onion, lil lemon juice salt and pepper in a food processor. Pulse it for a minute. (I like my guac smooth but if you like the chunks just chop and mix into a bowl.)

Brush olive oil on two whole wheat tortillas. They don’t have to be whole wheat but I love you and care about your health I guess, so deal with it. Sprinkle a shit-ton of paprika on those things. Cut them four ways with a pizza roller BEFORE going into the oven. They are way easier to cut when not crunchy. Lay them on a pizza pan or cookie sheet and set aside.

In a microwavable container, combine about ¾ cup corn, ½ cup white beans, 1 sliced jalepeno, ½ tbsp cumin, ½ tbsp chopped fresh cilantro, salt and pepper and a sneeze of lime juice.

When there’s about 6 minutes left for the peppers to broil, put the tortilla slices in the oven and throw the corn/bean mix in the microwave for 3 minutes, stirring halfway through.

When all is cooked: Spoon some corn/bean mixture on the plate. Take a spatula and lay a stuffed pepper on the bed (Careful it should be wicked hot and bubbly by this point). Pile on the guacamole and sour cream if you got it. I put the paprika Doritos in a separate bowl to avoid saturation.

Not only will I tell you how to cook but how to eat as well.

It took me a few attempts but I figured it out and it’s really awesome. Take a Dorito, spoon some seitan, mole sauce, guac and sour cream on top with some onion and tomato. Oh lady it’s so good. Do that over and over until you are done with your meal.

Poop within 20 minutes.

The trick to following recipes is SUBSTITUTE and IMPROVISE, If you don’t like something in my recipe, use something similar you do like. If you don’t have money for one ingredient, find a cheap substitute or skip it all together, it will still taste good. If you don’t have time to prepare an ingredient or sauce, buy it prepackaged. Fuck it. Only rich assholes can afford to eat like rich assholes. At least we can afford to be clever about it.

wudafxup?

I am currently working on some serious bidness so I won’t be writing or drawing for the blog for a while. I’m very sorry to disappoint all five of you but I promise I will return like Jesus Christ in the third Lord of the Rings and carry you down the beach during the final battle because that, my son, is when I carried you.

I’m confusing the stories here. wudafx!

Pen to Paper - November 7, 2007

I was putzing on this piece in photoshop and then this happened. F'ing creepy. She looks like she's made from barbecue sauce.



•••Sean Fransis

Southern Chilean Children Prized by Monkey People

Images of Creatures Under Scrutiny, Police Investigate

“It was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen”, exclaimed a Chilean fisherman to reporters after he photographed what appeared to be upright walking primates on an island approximately 30 miles off the Patagonian coast.

“I mean…they had on peoples’ clothes,” he said.

The fisherman captured the images on a digital camera while returning from an annual anchovy run aboard the commercial fishing vessel, La Mestiza.


What’s exciting the already superstitious locals as well as intriguing the local authorities are, what looks to be, two small children walking with the animals in the photograph. This relatively nonviolent part of South America has one of the highest incidents of kidnapping in the world, as well as an insurmountable backlog of unsolved missing children cases.

At a press conference in Puerto Williams, a police spokesperson told reporters “It is really not our job to determine if monkeys are taking children. But if there are photographs and witnesses that say a small child is stranded on an empty island out there, we’ll investigate.”

Scientists from Chile’s Museum of Natural History in Santiago are neither confirming nor denying the authenticity of the photos. Carlos Allovoria, pursuing a Ph. D. in population genetics and evolution at the Universidad de Buenos Aires, said in an email to the Associated Press, “I could not see any morphological structure that could identify it as any animal. Just…several ape-like forms."

Some scientific circles are already claiming a new species.

“Like [Jane] Goodall’s chimps did in the 60’s, this could once again redefine what it means to be human.” Said Mariam Doughan, Professor of Primate Studies at the University of Wisconsin. “…Tool making, clothing, walking upright; all these traits we hold as being exclusively human.”

But Dr. Horacio Cavanna of the Universidad de Buenos Aires cautions this way of thinking, “Finding and using tools is anthropologically very different than designing and creating tools. Using found objects to dig for food, gather water, and even decorate; these occur throughout the animal kingdom and although displays cleverness, hardly constitutes as anything but animal behavior.

Using coordinates logged by the captain of the La Mestisa, a follow-up team of zoologists, anthropologists and police were sent to the island to investigate. The team reported no humans were seen and no animals that matched the description of those in the photographs. According to their report, the uninhabited island yielded nothing more than a few “pits containing plastic milk jugs wrapped in leaves”.

“Some of the containers had water in them.” Said Officer Juan Cesar Pino. “But it’s not unusual for fisherman to camp on the smaller islands and leave trash behind.”

As for the children allegedly in the photographs, “Police are working with the Coast Guard to investigate.” Said Officer Pino, “But we have limited resources and cannot send a boat to every island in [Cape Horn].”

In the conference room in the local town hall gathered a small group of women holding up pictures of their missing children. An older woman, perhaps a missing child’s grandmother, repeatedly asked passerby’s, “Is this her? Is this the girl in the photographs?”

Pen to Paper - October 30, 2007

Sexy Nurse A Hit Once Again!

For yet another Halloween I successfully took a plain old stupid dumb nurses outfit and made it sexy! And if that weren’t enough I also succeeded in avoiding all other sexy nurses thus creating the illusion that I was, in fact, the only sexy nurse on State Street. Sure, I saw a sexy cop and even a sexy firefighter, but I’m proud to say that I was the only scantily clad health care worker. Or at least I made you think that by keeping the optimal distance from the other 700 sexy nurses which, truth be told, weren’t nearly as sexy as me. I’m just like sharing my honest opinion.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. It took me three years of embarrassing “oh no you di-int” looks from other sexy nurses on Halloween to figure out that it takes at least 5 seconds, or 22 feet of walking space, for the 18-25 year old jager-bomb-clouded male to forget that they just saw several other sexy nurses. But when they see me, they are yet again inspired to say, “Can I have the full body exam?” or “I think I might need you to massage my prostate.” which I don’t even get but I like the attention.

When I saw the 5 varieties of sexy nurse outfits at the Halloween warehouse, I knew that was the costume for me…again. No regrets.



•••Sean Fransis

Pen to Paper

This isn't done yet. I'll let you know when it is....all four of you that read this. I also need a good scanner for larger pieces like this. If anyone is selling a scanner larger than a cell phone please let me know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must get my mind freaked!

By Chris Angel!

Pen to Paper

Beatles Music: The Musical!

I saw Across the Universe yesterday. I really don't want to waste your time or mine with movie reviews on this thing because God knows there's enough of that on the world wide web. But as my friend Leonard put perfectly in his soft spoken, British accent, "It seemed a bit contrived."

Well soft-spokenly said Leonard. Now if you will excuse me, Dr. 90210 is on.

Hangin' with Jesus

A new series of shorts from The Indicators of my hometown Louisville, KY! Check out their other videos on YouTube...all four of you that read this!

The Indicators

Raw Bacon. Raw Bacon. Raw Bacon.

I guess I should post some drawings...here's one

A Letter to Judge Divid H. Nispel - Middleton WI Municipal Court

Middleton Municipal Court
7426 Hubbard Avenue
Middleton, WI 53562


Dear Judge Nispel,

You sir, are a TREMENDOUS TOOL. A tremendous tool of justice! Over the weekend my girlfriend and I had the great opportunity to see, first hand, how the honorable Middleton Municipal Court handles the dangerous dregs of society that risk dethroning the city from Money Magazine's most prestigious title of “#1 Place to Live in America”. I discovered, through your exemplary model of the American legal system, just how lucky we are to live in a city next to the city worthy of being called “#1 Place to Live in America” by a magazine.

Amidst the beautiful buildings of downtown Middleton (some dating back to 1994) is the Middleton Municipal Court Building. The orange bricks and tinted windows reek of habeas corpus. As you greeted us with a welcome, “what?”, when we arrived in the courtroom, I was awestruck by the amount of folding chairs. You appeared antsy and focused, ready to deliver the swift backhand of justice to the next criminal mastermind that dared enter your courtroom. Fortunately for me, on this day, that criminal was my girlfriend. Clearly she thought she could park on the wrong side of the street in Middleton Wisconsin and get away with it. Idiot! She didn’t know with whom she was dealing. She was up against Judge David Nispel, a real tool of justice and my new hero.

It was clear to you that only the guilty drug addicts and drunks take the time to come to court at 9am on a Saturday to defend themselves after writing numerous letters to the DA. And with your wisdom and clarity you let her know this by telling her she was so before she even spoke. Now that’s impressive judgery! Rather than explaining the fines or how the court came to their conclusion you mocked and berated her. I knew I was in the presence of fair and balanced greatness when you let her not speak all those times. So much of her guilt was proven in those moments you tactfully cut her off mid-sentence, every sentence. I loved it when, at the defining point in this important court battle, you called her a liar when she tried to explain herself.

After she told you she couldn't make it to Thursday court because she worked two jobs and went to school, you said, "You're just full of excuses aren't you?". Classic judge sass! You should have your own TV show! I could not speak I was so besieged with your awesomeness. When you made this 25 year-old deplorable villain cry I knew that under your billowing robe hung balls the size of Middleton’s water towers. Who else could fearlessly stand up against this 25 yr old elementary school teacher? If her lawless behavior is not stopped now…then when? How many more innocent lives will be lost? And you never once lost sight of the fact that it was a parking ticket. Some might say “just a parking ticket” but I say “a parking ticket in the #1 place to live in America according to a magazine”.

I also admired your 21st century approach. Like when you asked if I had read and understood the ticket when you assumed my girlfriend could not. You understood that although she is in the Graduate School of Human Ecology at the University of Wisconsin and I dropped out of art school, being men, we are of superior intelligence and are more aptly suited in translating legal documents. I greatly appreciated your candor when you let me also not speak even though I was offering to pay the fine. Oh how my heart soared when you called me “son”!

I know that racial profiling plays no part of the judicial process (*wink*) and with the defendant, being Mexican, that had nothing to do with the manner in which you treated her (*wiiiink!*) in this mostly-white #1 city. I like your style, judge. Fair to the core. Like when Senator Russ Decker (D-Schofield) was arrested for driving under the influence in your city and you dropped the charges in accordance with a lenient plea deal. You understood that the good senator had more important things to be do than be punished for putting innocent people’s lives in jeopardy. He helps make the laws. I wouldn’t expect you to expect him to follow them! The man deserves to have a drink in his car every once in awhile.

So keep up the good work, Your Honor. America needs more men like you in robes in front of folding chairs keeping the world safe against illegal parkers. With your city’s tenacious law enforcement and the will of our good Lord, Middleton will once again be named “#1 Place to Live in America” by a magazine.

Keep it up you MASSIVE TOOL of justice!

Sincerely,

M. Dwyer


P.S. I noticed a group of brown children playing very close to the Middleton/Madison border. To whom can I write to voice my concerns? I greatly fear this may affect your city’s rankings next year.

One in a...

My girlfriend has this little boy in her class named Amillion.

Things I did at work to make $ for my employer

I made this bust of a guy wearing earphones from a ball of Super Sculpey, an eraser and a paperclip. I've been making things out of this same ball of super sculpey for about 8 months now. My friend Hatuey tells me that Super Sculpey is toxic and I shouldn't play with it everyday. Well I say to him this: If it's so toxic, then how come my urine is a healthy, clouded orange color with red swirls?






I was going to call this Star of David but...I probably won't. It looks like Pizza the Hut from Space Balls.

Pen to Paper

I drew this girl from a school catalogue. I don’t think she had her eyes closed I just kept f’ing up the eyes.

Sushi Box - Review

A companion I have sex with and I recently had the pleasure of dining at the appropriately named Japanese restaurant - Sushi Box (Old University Ave.). When we arrived the dining room was empty and we were immediately seated on two stools. The décor was authentically Japanese from the fluorescent lighting to the Chiclets machine by the front door that appeared to have been imported from a place in Asia near Japan. They even had chopstickies! You don’t find that in many places here in the states. After 10 minutes of sitting we went to the counter to order. The server must have forgotten to work. The Korean woman behind the counter appeared to be direct from Tokyo as her English was so poor she chose not to talk to me at all. Or make eye contact (In Japanese culture eye contact is forbidden as it implies you wish someone dead.)




When our food arrived the dining room had filled to over four Caucasians. Lucky we got there when we did! The spicy tuna roll I had ordered was falling apart it was so tender. Nor was it complicated with stupid rice. The roll had the charm and appearance of being made by a 4 year old. The tuna tasted room temperature and salted, Mmmmmmmmmmmmm! My companion ordered some vegetarian shit which also looked delicious. For an entrée I ordered the NF2 Yaki Soba - Fried thin noodles with vegetables and shrimp. (¥1262.98) The spaghetti noodles were cooked perfect - al dante! And the canned mushrooms were marvelous. Unfortunately for me, the frozen vegetable medley was merely an afterthought. But the crown on this emperor of a meal was the 7 dime sized, unseasoned popcorn shrimp which floated in the soy sauce water at the bottom of the bowl (Adding 7 unseasoned popcorn shrimp to any meal costs a mere $4.00).


For desert we had a refill of Diet Coke and a dirty look from the Korean woman ($1.80). I would highly recommend this restaurant to someone with $27.50.

Sayonara!